Monday, 20 September 2010

Horrific Beards I Have Known and Loved

Captain Dallas (Tom Skerrit)
Alien (1979)

I have long believed that Tom Skerritt’s moustache leads a secret life of its own independent of Tom Skerritt. I’m fairly certain that when Tom is asleep, his moustache is actually sneaking off to its other life as a happily married small business owner raising two kids in Missouri. When you add a beard to that moustache, well, I'm fairly convinced it could then take over the world, if it was so inclined, if it wasn't too busy doing its tax returns and helping the kids with their homework.

As Captain Dallas in Alien Tom Skerrit is the captain of the Nostromo, and how can you tell that he’s captain? Well, because of his coarse and rugged dependable captain’s beard, of course!

My favourite thing about Captain Dallas’ beard is that it is always appears to be just millimetres away from turning feral. For the most part it clearly asserts: ‘I am a god damn captain of a class M starship I haven’t got time for such trivialities as a regular shaving routine, I have buttons to press, a computer to talk to and a god damn galaxy to save!’, but, despite this just barely contained on the trimmed side of respectable appearance there is always the suspicion that at any given moment the beard could suddenly experience one infinitesimal, microscopic unit of growth and then all anarchy would ensue, and it’ll be all naked corridor running, guttural screaming, setting fire to stuff and redecorating the Nostromo in his own faeces.

Fortunately the Dallas beard doesn’t get time to reach critical growth and instead remains solid, reliable and authoritative, the kind of beard that you not only expect to be in charge of a spaceship, but you want it to be.

Although it didn’t end too well for brave, hairy Captain Dallas, his beard is still the kind of beard you want to have your back in any kind space/alien disaster type scenario, you want to cling to it and ride to safety amid its robust foliage. Tom Skerritt’s Captain Dallas in Alien I salute you!

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Birthday Bonanza: Megalodons, Camp Hamlet and Last Years’ Post-Apocalypse

As I may have mentioned, by mentioned I mean whined like a small irascible child, it was my 35th birthday at the end of last month. Like any self respecting 35 year old I regarded the day with maturity and balance and conducted myself throughout with the appropriate grace and dignity. Mmmm. Ok, what I actually did was cry, curse God, stuff myself into age inappropriate clothing and then got drunk and forced my friends to let me beat them at Mortal Kombat. So, essentially what I had was my 15th birthday again, only with slightly more wobbly bits around the midsection, a more ‘lived in’ face and considerably more friends. Anyway, the point is I got loads of prizes and I thought I’d share my favourites.

Since acquiring this beauty I have spent a lot of time poncing around in a billowy shirt like the campest Hamlet ever. Love it!

It’s a god damn megalodon tooth, well tooth fossil, but hell, a MEGLODON tooth nonetheless. My gorgeous husband gave me this because he’s awesome and he knows that this wife ain’t no flowers and chocolates kind of wife. I have decided that this is now my number one murder weapon of choice, obviously only if pushed, I’m not going to go bumping people off left, right and centre with a prehistoric shark tooth, I’m not mental or anything, but, if I absolutely have to kill someone (who probably deserves it) then they’re going down Carcharodon style.

I also got a Hellraiser boxset from my BFF Kev and his beautiful girlfriend Lizbet. To make it extra special it had a packet of cigarettes and a can of Jack Daniels and coke stashed inside. Jack Daniels and coke in a can! The wonders of modern technology never fail to amaze me.

I didn’t get any pictures of this birthday, largely because we just got a kitten and the camera was full of pictures of BeBe Gunns doing stuff and being cute. Hundreds and hundreds of pictures of a small cat sleeping, eating, playing, sleeping, hiding, investigating and mainly sleeping. We’re pathetic. So instead here are some pictures from my 34th post-apocalyptic punk birthday. Sorry, it’s the best I can offer.

Jinx and Kev Beyond Thunderdrome
This is me and BFF Kev. I’m looking mournful because I’m 34, this is laughable now. (Apologies for the obtrusive nature of my breasts in this pictures, while I wholeheartedly believe boobies should never be apologised for you didn’t sign up for this from me, I mean it’s probably early in the morning for some of you). The awesome steampunk goggles Kev is sporting in this pic were my birthday present from husband that year. They are fantastic, I wear them while piloting my dirigible and keeping the world safe from suave cape wearing criminal genii and deranged scientists.

There was also drinking:

Lizbet making drinking cool


And 3am Guitar Heroing:

Kev giving his best Cherry Pie

Big Matty is unimpressed by Kev's rendition of Warrant's Cherry Pie
My husband the morning after
And to finish, here's a picture of BeBe Gunns being cute. We have many, many more of these.
So I guess 35 isn't that bad, especially when you still behave like and have the same tastes as a 15 year old.
Right, I'm off to carry on growing old disgracefully.

Friday, 10 September 2010

Everything's Better With BeBe

No more Carpathian kitten loss for Viggy

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Wascally Wabbits

I have been very kindly awarded the fantastic Zombie Rabbit Award by the delightful Jenny B from Memoirs of Scream Queen. I have only just discovered Jenny’s wonderfully quirky blog and I’m very glad I did. The gorgeous Ms. B. offers her own unique perspective on all things horror from reviews to fashion, and there’s music too. What more could you want? Check her out.

Now, I believe what I need to do on accepting this cute and fuzzy and rabid accolade is to pass it on to ten other fabulous blogs (do correct me if I’m wrong here, Jenny, I hope I’m not).
So without further ado, I infect:

Carfax Abbey
Post-Mortem Depression
From Beyond Depraved
Lavender Lair of Horror
(Please indulge me with this little show of favouritism, the above guys were really my first horror blogs and pals and I adore them. Aside from that they are awesome writers and contributors to the horror community and deserve all the awards. Go give them smooches).

Porkhead’s Horror Review Hole (Joel is an awesome guy and his blog is so smart and so killer funny I am in awe of it. Also, just to prove even further how much Joel rocks, in October he will be running a mini-marathon. Please do stop by and sponsor him and show your support for this fantastic endeavour for a fantastic cause).

From Midnight, With Love (Everything Mike does is beyond awesome. He’s a supercool horror avenger and I adore him. Everyone wants to be like Mike).

Mother Firefly’s Faster Pussycats! (Mother Firefly is, quite simply, an über cool lady and her blog is a delicious den of horrifying goodness. Love her.)

Fear of Fiction (I’m loving Oriel and her blog so much. The most recent example of her powers of awesomeness is a post about being stalked by plastic carrier bag that made me spurt tea out of my nose. Oriel completely rules!)

Never Sleeps Again (Another newish blog to me that I feel deserves some recognition. Cynniegurl is a delight, she posts reviews peppered with adorable personal stories and observations and I find her totally irresistible.)

The Celluloid Highway (Shaun is a super smart blogger and every post he shares is a wealth of information and insight. Paying him a visit is an enriching experience, he’s remarkable.)

Dr. Blood's Video Vault (Sorry, I had to include the Doc. The Doc is not only way, way cool, he also has a remarkable talent for steering me in the direction of films I would never have known existed otherwise. Plain and simply: The Doc rules! Pop over and pay him a visit - The Doctor is in and he's good for what ails you.

So there you are, consider yourselves infected (in the nicest possible way). Thanks once again to Jenny B and apologies to all the people who now have to reduce their favourite blogs down to just ten (especially the first four gents who probably hate me right now, sorry guys).


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