Horrific Beards I Have Known and Loved

-
Captain Dallas (Tom Skerrit)
Alien (1979)


I have long believed that Tom Skerritt’s moustache leads a secret life of its own independent of Tom Skerritt. I’m fairly certain that when Tom is asleep, his moustache is actually sneaking off to its other life as a happily married small business owner raising two kids in Missouri. When you add a beard to that moustache, well, I'm fairly convinced it could then take over the world, if it was so inclined, if it wasn't too busy doing its tax returns and helping the kids with their homework.

As Captain Dallas in Alien Tom Skerrit is the captain of the Nostromo, and how can you tell that he’s captain? Well, because of his coarse and rugged dependable captain’s beard, of course!

My favourite thing about Captain Dallas’ beard is that it is always appears to be just millimetres away from turning feral. For the most part it clearly asserts: ‘I am a god damn captain of a class M starship I haven’t got time for such trivialities as a regular shaving routine, I have buttons to press, a computer to talk to and a god damn galaxy to save!’, but, despite this just barely contained on the trimmed side of respectable appearance there is always the suspicion that at any given moment the beard could suddenly experience one infinitesimal, microscopic unit of growth and then all anarchy would ensue, and it’ll be all naked corridor running, guttural screaming, setting fire to stuff and redecorating the Nostromo in his own faeces.

Fortunately the Dallas beard doesn’t get time to reach critical growth and instead remains solid, reliable and authoritative, the kind of beard that you not only expect to be in charge of a spaceship, but you want it to be.

Although it didn’t end too well for brave, hairy Captain Dallas, his beard is still the kind of beard you want to have your back in any kind space/alien disaster type scenario, you want to cling to it and ride to safety amid its robust foliage. Tom Skerritt’s Captain Dallas in Alien I salute you!

Comments

  1. The Groundskeeper21 September 2010 at 01:47

    You have an odd mind.

    ReplyDelete
  2. R.Sterling Carody21 September 2010 at 02:00

    I really enjoy beards as well, but a mixture of laser hair removal in the 90s and Mrs. Voodoo's objections, I have no beard.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Mike21 September 2010 at 06:01

    Amazing. I aspire to be that beard.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Matthew Coniam21 September 2010 at 08:08

    I see this is becoming a regular feature to fill the void left by Movie Psychic Monday.
    If so, I nominate the following face-huggers: James Brolin's in The Amityville Horror and Sylvester Stallone's in Nighthawks.
    (And isn't the best bit in Die Another Day when Brosnan's Bond shows up with that straggly, full-face masterpiece at the start? No, you're quite right. The best bit in Die Another Day is when Rosamund Pike and Halle Berry bitchfight with swords on a crashing plane. Second best bit, then.)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Viking Wolf Woman21 September 2010 at 08:19

    HYSTERICAL.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Matthew Coniam23 September 2010 at 13:42

    By the way, I'm madly jealous that I don't have a quote in your "I Rule" section.
    When Carfax gets up off its haunches and acknowledges your other recent awards I will deliberately write something quotable which I expect to take its rightful place under "I think your norks are awesome"
    You have been warned...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Will Errickson24 September 2010 at 01:32

    You knew this movie wasn't fucking around when it killed Captain Dallas. Those people were in for a *world* of hurt.

    Can't wait for more beards!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dr Blood25 September 2010 at 02:13

    If you turn the picture of Tom Skerrit sideways, his mouth looks like a growler. :P

    ReplyDelete
  9. Jinx27 September 2010 at 19:07

    Ooohh, loving all the beard love. You guys completely rule! Best comments ever!! And any more beard suggestions are very welcome, they all must be celebrated.

    Matthew, having a quote from you would make me so deliriously happy I'll probably explode. Say how funny I am. And clever. And pretty.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Jenny Krueger7 October 2010 at 16:27

    hahaha this post reminds me of Kesha's song "Your love is my drug" when she says "I like your beard." :D

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rentaghost

-
Image
The Rentaghost cast When I was young Rentaghost was my absolute favourite show ever Once, when I was about seven, in an attempt to integrate me, my mother suggested I join the Brownies; the idea was met with scorn and derision largely because the Brownies swarmed (I’m assuming that’s what Brownies do) on a Rentaghost night, and they sucked, and dressed like tiny poos, and they sucked. It turned out later that I just wasn’t a naturally inclined participator in group activities. Needless to say I didn’t have a lot of friends as youngster, but then there are also no childhood pictures of me dressed like a chubby, redheaded turd at a jamboree somewhere, so take that, Brownies, who’s big and clever now?! Rentaghost was a British children's television comedy programme broadcast on the BBC between 1976 and 1984 and revolved around a company, 'Rentaghost', which hired out ghosts for a variety of potentially hilarious jobs and purposes. The first series of Rentaghost saw th
Read more

Clive Barker's Coldheart Canyon: A Hollywood Ghost Story

-
Image
I have issues with Clive Barker. In theory I should love him, the gore factor, the homoeroticism, the 80s, etc., but somehow I find his books inherently forgettable and that annoys me because I really want to love him and he insists on making that so hard for me. I keep being surprised by books of his, they jump out at me from nowhere and I discover I’ve read them and just couldn’t remember a damn thing about them. (Actually the reason CB keeps cropping up in my house at the moment is that my husband has suddenly developed something of a big boy crush on him and his novels keep dropping through my letterbox with alarming regularity and startling me with their familiarity). When I read the blurb about Coldheart Canyon I thought that it was going to be right up my street: A Hollywood Ghost Story, it promised me, I love old Hollywood, I love ghost stories, this has to be the Clive Barker book for me! Also, one irate Amazon reviewer described it as: ‘far from what I would call horro
Read more

Horrific Beards I Have Known and Loved

-
Image
Kurt Russell R.J. MacReady The Thing (1982)   I’m fairly certain that it’s widely agreed upon and that I can speak on behalf of everyone everywhere when I say that The Thing is awesome. I’m also confident that few people will disagree when I say that Kurt Russell in The Thing is awesome. But, despite the inarguable awesomeness of Mr. Russell, there is still one who monumentally and heroically overshadows even him, one who is the true star of The Thing, and that star is, of course, Kurt Russell’s beard! As helicopter pilot R.J. MacReady, Kurt Russell, or more specifically Kurt Russell’s beard, is stationed at U.S. Outpost 31 in the Antarctic when all manner of alien skulduggery kicks off and it seems apparent to me that it was the beard who was running this show. Although part of a twelve man crew, MacReady is something of the brooding loner and prefers to spend his time alone in his cabin playing computer chess and cultivating an alcohol problem. Despite this, and a general al
Read more