Saturday, 31 March 2012

80s Teenagers Rock!

The 80s were a pivotal decade for me, a lot of things happened to me in the 80s; I went to Big School, got a baby brother, briefly became obsessed with Norway, accidentally had my hair cut like Paul Young (it was supposed to be a Bowie, ok), the unholy mess of puberty happened and boys were invented, hurray! (I also invented kissing about this point, you can thank me for that later. Best invention of the decade, if I do say so myself, the frozen pea ice lolly which I also invented somewhere around 1985 whilst watching The Incredible Hulk coming in a close second).

Yes the 80s were a good time to be young and there is nothing more awesome or awe inspiring than the 80s teenager, they were a beautiful, bright, crazy and profligate breed who were quite often in their thirties. The 80s teenager was a rare and exotic creature with fantastical plumage that was high and proud and bright of hue and gleamed in the midday sun as they shook manes to Whitesnake.

 Yes, the 80s teenager was tremendous and beyond compare, we shall never see the like again. God damn kids today think they invented teenagers, well, I’ve got news for them, they didn’t, the 80s did and there ain’t no teenagers like 80s teenagers.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

The Legend of Harrow Woods/Evil Calls: The Raven (2008/2011)

I was unreasonably excited about The Legend of Harrow Woods for the longest time before I managed to see it. I mean unreasonably excited bordering on obsessed. In my defence, this was largely because of the incongruous ensemble cast. The Legend of Harrow Woods/Evil Calls: The Raven stars absurdly stars;

Rik Mayall: 80s alternative comedy star and master of the knob gag.

Jason Donovan: Australian ex soap star and sometime botherer of the 80s charts

Robin Askwith: improbable 70s sex machine star of the ‘Confessions....’ films

Norman Wisdom: comedy legend and undisputed king of the pratfall

Christopher Walken: yup, Christopher ruddy Walken

Unreasonably excited

With a cast like that you expect something, you expect there’ll be something about it that drew these people to put their names to it, some degree of quality or interesting experimentation, you expect at the very least it will be bizarrely compelling, but Harrow Woods Evil Ravens provides none of this. Bloody hell does it provide none of this. 

A group of students go to an apparently haunted forest, Harrow Woods, to investigate the disappearance of horror novelist George Carney and his family who have been missing (presumed dead) for two years. Led by inappropriate lecturer, Karl Mathers, the group embark on their investigation and soon discover that in the 17th century the infamous witch, Lenore Selwyn, was burnt at the stake within Harrow Woods and, wouldn’t you know it, before she succumbed to the flames she cursed the land her ashes fell upon. This is just one of the many reasons why you shouldn’t burn ladies at the stake. Then everyone, thankfully, begins to die and to everyone’s dismay the story of George Carney is told in nonsensical flashback as the remaining students doggedly continue their investigation of the woods and the abandoned log cabin where the Carney family spent their last days. Laughingly it’s also in 3D.

Reality dawning

I really don’t know what to say about Harrow Woods Evil Raven Calls. Largely I’m just annoyed. If I’m honest with myself I was never expecting much, but for a long time the gimmicky cast made me desperate to track it down and because I love my genre so much and I’m optimistic by nature I secretly hoped it was going to awesome, well, maybe not awesome, but that at least there’d something in it that I’d appreciate, some warmth or love for the genre, some well crafted effects, even just some comedy value out of the sheer awfulness. But no, I just found depressing, particularly on seeing the late, great Sir Norman Wisdom.

Sir Norman Wisdom was an actor, comedian, singer-songwriter and skilled and dexterous physical performer with career that spanned in excess of 60 years, he is one of our country’s most beloved entertainers. In his heyday in the fifties Sir Norman made a series of low-budget star-vehicle comedies in which he played the hapless but well-meaning Norman Pitkin. Although never popular with critics his cheery films were hugely successful with domestic audiences and he gained massive celebrity in many unlikely countries including Albania, Iran, South America and Australia. Although his comedy was largely slapstick in nature, Sir Norman’s performances were full of heartbreaking pathos, in his ill-fitting, threadbare suit and disarrayed cloth cap he could as easily make laugh as make you cry, a fact further epitomised by the self penned hit song 'Don’t Laugh At Me (Cause I’m a Fool)' becoming his theme song. His innocence and plucky resilience resonated with British audiences (and, indeed, those abroad), he was the guileless underdog that you needed to see triumph in a cold, hostile world.

Sir Norman remained eternally youthful until the end. He passed away in a nursing home on October 4th 2010 aged 95 following a series of strokes and a tragic battle with increasing dementia.
Norman Wisdom was proud of two things in his life; that he was hailed by Charlie Chaplin as his comedic successor and the fact that he never raised his voice at anyone throughout his career.

And this was probably his last film.

This is the main reason for my irrational distaste for The Legend of Harrow Woods Ravens and Stuff. On seeing Sir Norman working hard, acting circles around everyone else in this embarrassing mess I genuinely welled up and the crying, quite frankly, ruined my birthday.

I’m very proud of my country’s history in horror, we Brits have been responsible for some of the greats of genre and we continue to push boundaries and in recent times several modern classics have had their bloody births in our green and pleasant land. And sometimes we just churn out some godawful shite like The Legend of Harrow Woods/Evil Calls: The Raven.

Now I’m generally a supportive and all round lovely person, I hate to speak ill of something somebody else has put a lot of work and effort into. I don’t think it’s big or clever to tear down someone else’s work. And, let’s face it, I’ve watched a hell of a lot of crap in my time and I’ve always found something positive to say about it. But sometimes, a bag of arse needs to be called a bag of arse, and Woods Blah Raven Blah is a bag of arse, a bag of 3D arse to add insult to injury. Granted I’m predominantly angry with it because it made me cry, but Norman Wisdom aside, it’s still really a terrible film with no redeeming features.

Sad, just sad

’m actually now annoyed that I’ve wasted your time with this, though you did get hear stuff about Norman Wisdom, but still I’m sorry. Here is a picture of some kittens to cheer you up.

We're sorry


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