Thursday, 9 April 2009


At last, after 10 long years of waiting, the new Red Dwarf starts tomorrow!! This is a very exciting event for sad geek like me. I grew up with Red Dwarf. I loved it. I share a special anniversary with it. The day the very first episode aired I got my first period. Disturbing, but true.
Unfortunately, though I am loath to admit it, I am feeling very much ambivalent towards these new episodes. I want them to be great, but, lets face it, the ways these things inevitably go is forced ‘character’ gags, horrific nudge, nudge wink, wink in jokes and ultimately only the painful reminder of what was and what might have been. I feel obliged to point out at this juncture that this has nothing to do with the cast being older. Of course they’re older, we all are, and I don’t care, they’re my boys and I love them and anyway age most certainly does not preclude comic ability rather it refines it. But I am taking into account that even I, the most ardent fangirl that ever quoted a Space Corps Directive, who can still reel off entire episodes from memory, and sometimes still will, even I have to admit the last two series were shocking. Especially the last one which made me cry. A lot. But I defended them, they lost a writer, and an actor, (yes Chris Barrie I’m talking to you. Left to do the Brittas Empire. Does anyone remember the Brittas Empire, Mr. Barrie? Barely. Is the Brittas Empire still remembered so strongly after twenty years that it’s been given a much anticipated reunion special? Is the Brittas Empire still a firm fan favourite, a cult classic? Is it commonly considered an iconic comedy that redefined the genre and a fine example of British comedy at its very best to boot? No, I think not). You see, now I don’t sound like I’m very excited at all, and I am, I really am. I’m hoping that this is all just residual trauma from the whole Indiana Jones debacle that I still can’t talk about.
Right, now that’s out of my system I can get back to being genuinely thrilled about it. I will cast aside all cynicism and comedy snobbery and approach it as the twelve year old I once was who first sat down in her grandparents’ kitchen and laughed till she cried at the boys from the Dwarf. And also learned that smeg was a most excellent and useful expletive.

I shall sign off now with a collection of my favourite Red Dwarf quotes. Enjoy, and remember, I didn't come here looking for trouble, I just came to do the Red Dwarf shuffle....

Cat: As soon as I find the right small group of girls, the seven or eight women who are right for me, my wandering days are OVER buddy!

Rimmer : Step up to Red Alert!
Kryten : Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

Lister: The red, green and blue alert signs are all flashing. What the smeg does that mean?
Kryten: Well either we're under attack sir, or we're having a disco.

Cat: Hello, hello, testing, testing, one, one, one, me me me. Attention all lady cats! I am feeling very, very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats?! My body is available.

Rimmer (Future): No, look, I'm you from the future. I've come to warn you in three million years you'll be dead.
Rimmer (Past): [Sarcastically]: Will I really!?!
Rimmer (Future): Yes, unless you do something about it now.
Rimmer (Past): What do you suggest? Give up white bread, more roughage?

Rimmer: The thought occurs that we haven't actually reached earth. The even further thought occurs that we haven't budged a smegging inch.

Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my
voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat: This is not a daffodil!
Rimmer: Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected.

Low Rimmer: First I’m going to whip you to within an inch of your life and then I’m going to have you.

Lister: Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores, get the nuclear warheads and then strap one to my head? I'll nut the smegger to oblivion!


  1. Was never a fan of this. But The Brittas Empire... ah! Now you're talking.
    I particularly remember that one where he spoke in a silly voice, then did something foolish, and then something unlikely happened. Classic.



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