Goth Girls' Detective Club

Kurt Russell R.J. MacReady The Thing (1982)   I’m fairly certain that it’s widely agreed upon and that I can speak on behalf of everyone everywhere when I say that The Thing is awesome. I’m also confident that few people will disagree when I say that Kurt Russell in The Thing is awesome. But, despite the inarguable awesomeness of Mr. Russell, there is still one who monumentally and heroically overshadows even him, one who is the true star of The Thing, and that star is, of course, Kurt Russell’s beard! As helicopter pilot R.J. MacReady, Kurt Russell, or more specifically Kurt Russell’s beard, is stationed at U.S. Outpost 31 in the Antarctic when all manner of alien skulduggery kicks off and it seems apparent to me that it was the beard who was running this show. Although part of a twelve man crew, MacReady is something of the brooding loner and prefers to spend his time alone in his cabin playing computer chess and cultivating an alcohol problem. Despite this, and a genera...

Brian Blessed Prince Vultan Flash Gordon (1980) and just generally, in everything, in life, always Brian Blessed is quite definitely one of my absolute favourite actors, no people, on the planet ever. My husband and I quite often in everyday life spontaneously decide to have ‘Talk Like Brian Blessed Hours’. The man is a clearly a great big, mountainous, booming bloody genius, and that’s before we get anywhere near the beard. Brian is a beard devotee. Brian’s beard is a constant, it’s a life choice, it’s a personality all of its very own, and, frankly, it’s the kind of beard that you could trap bears in. Flash Gordon epitomises everything I love; it’s brash, it’s camp, it’s kitsch, it’s bright and colourful and it’s full of British character actors and pervy costumes. It’s pretty much exactly how I see the world and how I want it to be. It’s also soundtracked by the pantomime dames of rock, Queen. As Prince Vultan leader of the Hawk People Brian steals the show. He is a winged...

Captain Dallas (Tom Skerrit) Alien (1979) I have long believed that Tom Skerritt’s moustache leads a secret life of its own independent of Tom Skerritt. I’m fairly certain that when Tom is asleep, his moustache is actually sneaking off to its other life as a happily married small business owner raising two kids in Missouri. When you add a beard to that moustache, well, I'm fairly convinced it could then take over the world, if it was so inclined, if it wasn't too busy doing its tax returns and helping the kids with their homework. As Captain Dallas in Alien Tom Skerrit is the captain of the Nostromo, and how can you tell that he’s captain? Well, because of his coarse and rugged dependable captain’s beard, of course! My favourite thing about Captain Dallas’ beard is that it is always appears to be just millimetres away from turning feral. For the most part it clearly asserts: ‘I am a god damn captain of a class M starship I haven’t got time for such trivialities as a r...

I’m a fan of a beard. Please see exhibit A : I married this beard In film the presence of a beard is often synonymous with evil and we often see pointy bearded, moustache twirling villains on our screens. However, in reality, many of the great and good historical figures have merrily sported facial fuzz: the baby Jeebers, Santa and Brian Blessed, for example, so I think that proves what a silly generalisation that is and we can rest assured that beards come in many colours, shapes and sizes, and varying degrees of evil. I have decided to celebrate my appreciation of the beard in all its glorious forms by sporadically (as and when I remember one and/or when I can be bothered) presenting the beards I have known and loved in some manner of written and/or pictorial format. Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss) Jaws (1975) I was born just a little bit after Jaws was released which makes me and Jaws more or less the same age, though I like to talk about our 35ths less than Jaws, but re...