Goth Girls' Detective Club

As a non swimmer I've felt smugly content in my unlikeliness to be eaten by shark, so naturally land sharks are my biggest fear and I have always held a sneaking suspicion that one day they will arrive. And now they have. We’re doomed, we’re all doomed.   An underwater earthquake cracks open a crater deep beneath the ocean’s surface unleashing a prehistoric predator on the peaceful seaside community of White Sands. Meanwhile White Sand’s prodigal son and dedicated party boy Jimmy Green (Corin ‘Parker Lewis, I Know My First Name Is Steven, Jonas Quinn’ Nemec) returns to home town intent on organising a spring break beach festival appropriately named The Sandman Festival. Unfortunately his plans haven’t taken into account one thing, the newly freed prehistoric predator’s ability to swim on land. Tremors meets Jaws, what could be better than that? After a pair of dirt biker disappear whilst riding the dunes local cops Sheriff John Stone (Eric Scott Woods) and his si...

Well. It’s that time of year again when the weather starts warming up*, the nights get longer and my mind inevitably turns to one thing and one thing only. Sharks! For various sciency, environmental disastery reasons an evil oil corporation accidently unleashes a Megalodon from its prehistoric slumber to terrorise a small beach community, on the 4th of July no less. Enter marine biologist Cat Carmichael from the Oceanic Investigation Bureau (??!!) to sort things out, if only she had a very poor man’s Quint to help her. Wait a minute....... The Oceanic Investigation Bureau arrive Not Quint Super Shark brings a new level of insanity to the shark movie genre. As a connoisseur of this genre I know I’m enjoying myself when I can’t decide whether a film is actually complete and utter crap or absolute genius, so with that in mind I can only come to one conclusion - Super Shark could possibly be one of the best bad movie ever. My first clue to this came when it had its own theme ...

Now, you may be asking, the Further Adventures, Jinx? Where are the initial adventures of these musicians in horror? And you'd be right to ask. They're here: Caliban's Revenge , in an utterly marvellous guest post I did a little while ago. It's marvellous, really top notch, you should check it out. Say hi to gorgeous Prospero while you're there 'cos he's great. Henry Rollins, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007) Henry Rollins is awesome. I don’t even particularly feel like I have to justify this, you just need to look at any given Rollins biography to get a sense of his awesomeness: Singer-songwriter, spoken word artist, writer, activist, comedian, publisher, actor, and radio DJ. He’s awesome. He’s also kindly contributed to the horror genre which makes me very happy. Wrong Turn 2 takes the format of a post-apocalyptic Survivor type reality show, with added inbred hillbilly cannibals. Henry Rollins stars as Col. Dale Murphy, host of the show and in a some...

‘Y’all know me. Know how I earn a livin’.’ As you may know, (because I keep mentioning it) me and Jaws are the same age. Well, to be accurate, Jaws is a couple of months older, but apparently it’s only me that’s counting that, Jaws has yet to express an opinion so probably isn’t bothered. Anyway, as it’s my stupid 36th birthday tomorrow I thought it would be nice (and also might distract me from the horror of the event a bit) to celebrate Jaws and why it’s The Greatest Movie Ever. I’m sure that there is a complex and intricate criteria for determining the Greatest Movie Ever. A lot of learned people are probably involved and it probably takes into account a great many elements of the filmmaking process, the artistic merits of the finished product and box office results. Or it’s a pubic phone in on Channel Four. Either way, it’s nearly always Citizen Kane . Now, while Orson Welles’ masterwork may well be a incomparable example of filmmaking genius, I prefer to judge my ...

Despite having been away for couple of weeks being rubbish, you’ll be relieved to know that nothing has changed in the House of Jinx. I remain a slightly clumsy bundle of ill-contained red headed excitement and nonsense, and, I still have an unhealthy obsession with all things shark.   So, rather than discuss this obsession with a suitably qualified psychiatric professional I thought I’d come back with another foray into the shark cannon and have a look at some more of the gems that lurk therein.   Malibu Shark Attack (2009) When a tsunami tragically floods happy, sunny, carefree Malibu, it also, to add insult to substantial injury, inadvertently dredges up a deadly collection of deep-water, prehistoric goblin sharks. Bloody typical. Said Goblin sharks then proceed to chomp the merry hell out of an assortment of lifeguards and construction workers who have found themselves stranded due to this freak chain of largely implausible events. Had Malibu Shark Attack kicked it...

I had vaguely thought about doing one of those 2010 best/worst rundown posts, but I’m rubbish and lazy and instead spent my time drinking whiskey, cuddling kittens and, as it turned out this morning when I sat down to write some stuff, thinking about sharks. It’s fairly common knowledge that I love a shark movie. Oh, boy, do I love a shark movie! I barely even discriminate, I’ll watch anything and I pretty much love them all in one way or another. There’s a lot of work and effort goes into loving shark movies so to save you all the blood, sweat and the tears, little naps and distracted nail painting that I go through on a regular basis here’s a brief peek at seven of the most awesome. (I am for the most part using ‘awesome’ in the broadest sense it’s possible to use it, ever). Jaws (1975) The undisputed daddy. I don’t even feel the need to write anything here. It’s Jaws. It’s awesome. And it’s still bloody terrifying. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002) I care not what anyo...

This probably isn’t the most auspicious start but Megalodon disappointed and confused me on many levels. I love a shark movie. And Megalodons are the biggest sharks ever, they’re prehistoric mother flippin’ mega sharks, for Jeeber’s sake, so surely bigger equals better. Apparently not. Really we should all just go home now and save ourselves a lot of time, but sadly I’ve got far too much time on my hands so I’m obliged to carry on regardless or else I’d just wander of be getting into trouble somewhere. Evil faceless corporation Nexecon has developed and enormous and super advanced deep sea oil rig somewhere in the North Atlantic near Greenland. It’s kind of like the Terminator of oil rigs; it’s a leaner, meaner oil extracting, digging deeper and extracting more oil than any rig has ever done before. They cleverly call it ‘Colossus’ because it’s so big and awesome. Unfortunately not everyone thinks it’s big and awesome and environmentalists and geologists and other socially consci...

I don’t know about you, but for me, when the weather warms up and we’re starting to be dimly threatened by summer, all I want to do is watch sea creature related peril movies, particularly if they primarily involve beaches and bikinis. So in celebration of Britain's brief attempt at not being bleak and drizzley, last week I watched: Piranha (1978) Still awesome. Completely silly, completely B Movierrific, completely camp and completely wonderful. Piranha Part Two: The Spawning (1981) Clearly James Cameron’s finest film. It’s got Lance Henriksen in it and it taught me several valuable lessons: 1) Having sex underwater is stupid. 2) Piranhas can fly. Not glide in a favourable wind like lesser fish, literally fly. 3) It’s remarkably easy to make a waterproof time bomb. 4) A torch is an inadequate weapon against piranhas. 5) I hate Titanic , it still sucks. 6) I’d probably watch anything with the word ‘spawning’ in the title. It’s a great word. Piranha (19...