Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Happy New Year and Heck Yeah, Sharks!

I had vaguely thought about doing one of those 2010 best/worst rundown posts, but I’m rubbish and lazy and instead spent my time drinking whiskey, cuddling kittens and, as it turned out this morning when I sat down to write some stuff, thinking about sharks. It’s fairly common knowledge that I love a shark movie. Oh, boy, do I love a shark movie! I barely even discriminate, I’ll watch anything and I pretty much love them all in one way or another. There’s a lot of work and effort goes into loving shark movies so to save you all the blood, sweat and the tears, little naps and distracted nail painting that I go through on a regular basis here’s a brief peek at seven of the most awesome. (I am for the most part using ‘awesome’ in the broadest sense it’s possible to use it, ever).

Jaws (1975)


The undisputed daddy. I don’t even feel the need to write anything here. It’s Jaws. It’s awesome. And it’s still bloody terrifying.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)


I care not what anyone says about this film, I love it. It’s a great big steaming pile of awesomeness with a great big John Barrowman shaped candle on top.

Carcharodon Megalodon is making it very difficult to install/repair very important underwater cables off the coast of Mexico, so security man Captain Jack takes it upon himself to sort this ruddy mess out, with the help of marine biologist, paleontologist, pretty lady Cat Stone. Much toothy chaos ensues.

Among the many finer points of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon are: prehistoric shark managing to always look utterly and convincingly real and not in the least like stock footage of a normal shark with things added that are smaller than they really are. John Barrowman, just generally, but in this instance as a lady loving, jet skiing playboy who can hunt supposedly extinct giant sharks, still crack wise and get lucky while doing it. It turns out that megalodons are perfectly able to subsist on a steady diet of boats seasoned with a little sailor and/or diver. I won’t hear a word said against this movie, it’s probably one the greatest motion picture extravaganzas ever. I’m going to put my fingers in my ears now and go la la la la la very loudly.

Raging Sharks (2005)


Quite genuinely the stupidist plot I’ve ever heard in my life.

Two alien spaceships crash into each other, (yes, you heard me, alien spaceships) and some manner of spacey type generator thing from one of the ships falls into the Bermuda Triangle (yup, that’s alien spaceships and the Bermuda Triangle). Said super spacey device is, it turns out, powered by magic space crystals,(space crystals, people!) which strangely enough have a devastating effect on the local sharks making them go all extra mental and kill crazed that. Mental, crystal crazed sharks attack then proceed to attack an underwater research lab, cleverly and systematically cutting out the power and oxygen because, naturally, space crystals make them smarter than your average shark. Fortunately for humanity, the Navy sends specialists to rescue the scientists trapped inside, however, little do they know there is already a covert black-ops team within the lab that have their own nefarious agenda. So essentially all Steven Spielberg’s early films sliced up and shaken around in the wacky pot until they congeal into one giant ball of craziness; Heck yeah, Nu Image!

Utter and complete madness presided over by Corin ‘Parker Lewis, I Know My First Name Is Steven, Jonas Quinn’ Nemec. I think if I had sharks that were not just angry or a wee bit miffed but actually raging then I’d send in Parker Lewis, he can’t lose apparently. Raging Sharks is one of those movies where it’s best to start drinking earlier, you may then find that as Parker Lewis negotiates his way through sharks, aliens, spaceships, treacherous assassins, nuclear submarines, cosmic crystals, Corbin Bernsen and some footage from Shark Attack 3: Megalodon that you actually start to enjoy yourself in the midst of the stupidity.


Deep Blue Sea (1999)



On a remote research facility in the middle of the ocean scientists try to cure Alzheimer’s by experimenting on the brain make up of Mako sharks. Unsurprisingly this ends in tears before bedtime. Under the noble but stupid impression that by increasing the brain capacity of the sharks they can then harvest the tissue as a potential cure for Alzheimer's disease scientists prod about in shark’s heads until all hell breaks loose. It turns out that the increased brain capacity also makes the sharks faster, more dangerous, more intelligent and more angry so naturally they begin to engineer their escape and their bloody revenge on dratted scientists who have imprisoned them.

When this was first out at the cinema I paid a good £6 in good faith to see Samuel L. Jackson take on some bloody big crazy sharks. Let’s face it, if anyone can do that, (after Scheider), it’s Sammy L. This is not what I got. My incredulous cry of ‘…the fuck!’ at a particular part of this movie was heard echoing through the theatre and I was seconds away from demanding my money back from someone. Fortunately for all involved, especially my mum who was at that stage fearing a scene, the whole thing picked up and I got carried away with the exciting shark action, and LL Cool J. Instead of curing Alzheimer’s the sharks decide that their time would be much better served in systematically taking down a deep sea science facility and eating a load of people. What could possibly be wrong with that?

Megashark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)


A megalodon and giant octopus are conveniently flash frozen amid a titanic battle a long time ago, in the olden days. Much like a really long game of musical statues, the two colossal beasts remain in their mid battle frozen state until the present day when pesky global warming begins to thaw them out and it’s not long before they are back swimming free in our modern waters unleashing carnage and devastation in their mighty wakes. The kind of carnage a megalodon and a giant octopus wreak turns out to be largely eating improbable things like bridges, off shore oil rigs and goddamn, bloody airplanes, in flight. Eventually scientists, mainly Debbie Gibson, come to the conclusion that the only way to stop these mighty killers is to pit them against each other in one final battle of prehistoric proportions, kind of like Gladiators. I entirely misinterpreted the scientific plan for the destruction of the beasts on first viewing and for quite a long time genuinely thought that the plan was to encourage them to have sex with each other until they both died. I was disturbingly disappointed when I learned this wasn’t the case.

From the concept alone I knew this film was going to be a winner with me. While I was inexplicably a little disappointed by the lack of interspecies prehistoric sex, the whole affair was ultimately worth it for the opportunity to see a shark take down a flying plane, and Debbie Gibson, it was nice to see Debbie again after all these years.

Hell yeah, shark films rule! They manage to all at once be horrendously disappointing (mainly just on the basis that they are not Jaws, except for Jaws which is obviously Jaws) and being unbelievably exciting and satisfying simply because, irrespective of all else, they’ve got great big sharks eating stuff in them. I bloody love them. Stay tuned for my further adventures beneath the sea and in the depths of my DVD collection where I will explore such important issues as; what happens when you cross a shark with an octopus and can you actually fit sharks in Venetian canals.

13 comments:

  1. great stuff here, course Jaws is the Daddy, need to watch Meg vs Giant Octopus. I hope they finally get round to doing 'Meg' its been in pre production for years.
    Thanks for the post enjoyed it

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  2. Honestly, I can't watch any other shark movie; it'd be like cheating on JAWS. Learned my lesson with 2, 3D, and REVENGE.

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  3. John Barrowman? Presumably all wet? Yes, please! I don't even care if the movie's any good.

    If all a shark does is swim, eat, and make little sharks, all Jaws did was swim, eat, and make little Jaws rip-offs.

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  4. You might like Steve Alten's books about the Megalodon - they're pretty terrifying. I would love to see a film made from Alten's material because some of that shit is sooooo good! But I don't want it to have a SyFy release; it would have to be in some very capable hands and cost a lot of money. Check those out if you like giant shark action, which we both undoubtedly do!

    Happy New Year!

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  5. I have a lot of shark films to catch up on. But JAWS is definitely top of the top. SHARK ATTACK 3 = lolz.

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  6. definitely going to have to add raging sharks to my must watch list!

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  7. Wow, Dempsey, thanks so much!

    Will, I know you're completely right and that I should too be true be true to Jaws, but I'm just so slutty for sharks I clearly can't help myself. For shame, Jinx, for shame.

    Doc M., you rule!

    Hi Jenn! Happy New Year to you too! I hope 2011 is wonderful for you. I actually just picked up the first couple of books in the 'Meg' series recently. Despite being ridiculously silly they are fantastically compelling, and, I'm ashamed to admit, made me stupidly jumpy on my train ride to work as I read them each morning, like I genuinely thought a great big shark was going to leap out at me between stops. Definitely going to read the rest, and definitely with you and Dempsey on a film. So awesome!

    That is possibly the best description ever of Shark Attack 3, Fred. Lolz to the max!

    Hi, Cyn. Hope you're doing well and that the little mini monster is treating you well while it grows big and strong. 2011 is going to be a fabulous and exciting year for you and I really wish you and your husband all the very best. I also hope Raging Sharks gives you a jolly good laugh.

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  8. Brilliant list. And sharks are better than the new year anyway. How can I never have heard of a movie called 'Raging Sharks'?????

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  9. My internet access was cut off for a week and a half including New Year's (what a way to start the year!) so I didn't see this post till now. I too love shark movies and will watch any and all repeatedly, even if they're dreadful. I love your list.

    SyFy's "Spring Break Shark Attack" was also fun. There's another SyFy film whose name I can't recall, with mutant sharks who have funny bumps on their noses. The CGI is so bad that they look like cartoon sharks inserted into the live action. I'd recommend that you see that one too, because it was a laugh riot. If I find the title I'll let you know.

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  10. You had me at sharks. I've seen most of these but I really, really need to see Raging Sharks.

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  11. First off, great friggin' blog you got here!

    Now, I must say that each and every one of these films just sounds absolutely awesome! Should I see Shark Attack 1 and 2 before checking out Shark Attack 3? Will I be lost as to the plot? (I keed, I keed. I know the plot is basically "Giant Shark Eats Stuff"). Raging Sharks also sounds quite magnificent, and I LOVE the idea behind Mega Shark!! Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas taking on giant sea creatures? What's not to love??

    Now, I've seen Deep Blue Sea, and I know EXACTLY what part you declared "The Fuck?", because I did the same thing! I'll give the flick credit for having the stones to do that...but damn did I want to see Jules vs. Jaws!

    Looks like I have some flicks to watch soon! Thanks for sharing!

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  12. Oh how I love your wit...and sharks! Fantastic post to start the new year, Jinx! CHEERS!

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