Despite having been away for couple of weeks being rubbish, you’ll be relieved to know that nothing has changed in the House of Jinx. I remain a slightly clumsy bundle of ill-contained red headed excitement and nonsense, and, I still have an unhealthy obsession with all things shark. So, rather than discuss this obsession with a suitably qualified psychiatric professional I thought I’d come back with another foray into the shark cannon and have a look at some more of the gems that lurk therein.
Malibu Shark Attack (2009)
When a tsunami tragically floods happy, sunny, carefree Malibu, it also, to add insult to substantial injury, inadvertently dredges up a deadly collection of deep-water, prehistoric goblin sharks. Bloody typical. Said Goblin sharks then proceed to chomp the merry hell out of an assortment of lifeguards and construction workers who have found themselves stranded due to this freak chain of largely implausible events.
Had Malibu Shark Attack kicked it old school and gone with some honest to goodness, old fashioned, hella bitey Great Whites, I’d have probably enjoyed this more. Turns out Goblin sharks are bit rubbish. All in all, rather less exciting than that episode of Baywatch where that lifeguard lady that isn’t Pam Anderson gets attacked by a shark while saving a boy, but Hassellhoff saves her and then she dies anyway of something stupid. Also, what the hell happened to poor old Peta Wilson? She looked unwell and frankly miserable as sin, like maybe someone was making her act at gunpoint, but, as it turns out, she is up for a threesome so that’s good to know.
Turns out this too is not about sharks and octopi having sex. God Damn it!
The U.S. Navy commission a group known as ‘Blue Water’ or Eric Roberts, whichever you prefer, to genetically engineer a half-shark, half-octopus for combat purposes apparently, but heck who needs a reason to genetically engineer and half-shark half-octopus creature? It’s awesome, that’s all anyone really needs to know or consider. Anyway, whilst testing the aforementioned battle sharktopus, the beast only goes and escapes the control of its fiendish creators and makes a bloody bid for freedom. Who can blame it; it’s half-shark and half-octopus it wants to show itself off. In white-hot pursuit of the deadly creature are Blue Water, or Eric Roberts if you prefer, a bland, muscle bound bounty hunter of some description and a hapless television crew, but most importantly Eric Roberts being evil.
You have may have noticed that I’ve been mentioning Eric Roberts a lot so far. I’m honour bound to do this as penance to my BFF Kev for not being suitably impressed that Eric Roberts was in Sharktopus in the first place. It nearly caused a fight, well, not fight exactly, more an idle bicker. Sorry, Kev, and sorry, Mr. Roberts.
There is nothing About Sharktopus that displeases me. From the wonderfully joyous title theme music to the man, the icon Eric Roberts, from the early morning drinking, sea faring radio DJ (who became my new hero) and his bikini clad assistant to the folk dancing, fire brandishing display team. It was a joy from start to finish. But most importantly it’s about a ruddy shark/octopus hybrid for flip’s sake, I really don’t need to say anything more than that.
I’d like to dedicate this portion of ‘Heck Yeah, Sharks’ to the person who stumbled upon my blog by Googling ‘shark and octopus sex’. Apparently someone else is as inappropriately interested in this as me. Good sir or madam, we live in hope.
12 Days of Terror (2004)
12 Days of Terror is an oddly compelling docudrama that details the real life events that took place in July, 1916 in Central and Southern New Jersey As the title suggests, the film recounts 12 days during which people along the Jersey coast were subject to attacks by a shark (probably not a great white shark as the film depicts, but a ruddy shark nonetheless). Said shark, who may or may not have been a great white, probably wasn’t, killed four people during its reign of terror and badly injured a fifth. Apparently, this odd shark behaviour still keeps scientists occupied searching for answers to this day. Scary stuff.
While 12 Days of Terror may be notable for its not too shabby period detail, some fancy shark action and, sadly, for fundamentally lacking any of the ‘terror’ so blatantly promised, for me, the appearance of SyFy stalwart and budget Brian Blessed, John Rhys-Davies makes it worth the price of admission. Starring as the obligatory salty old sea dog Rhys-Davies provides the kind of colour that keeps this TV movie sharkbuster afloat.
Sharks in Venice (2008)
Err, right, so, Stephen Baldwin’s dad miraculously manages to get himself eaten by a Great White Shark whilst pottering about in a Venetian canal, but no one knows that, everyone thinks he’s just mysteriously disappeared, the eponymous sharks in the eponymous Venice are, I can only imagine, the big surprise revelation later on. Stephen Baldwin, like any good son, sets about investigating the mysterious disappearance and within approximately five seconds spots a massive fin merrily wending its way through the serene waterways of Venice.
What follows is stupid and ridiculous in a way only Raging Sharks can imagine. In a kind of bizarre, insane, badly crafted amalgamation of Jaws, Indiana Jones, any given Mafia movie and any movie starring Stephen Baldwin, our boy Baldwin soon realises that he’s embroiled in a cryptic race against time to recover the lost fortune of the Medici that is stashed somewhere beneath Venice seemingly guarded by ferocious sharks and to complicate matters more his ruddy girlfriend goes and gets herself abducted by Mafia hoodlums in a dastardly ploy to ensure that the Baldwin will risk everything to secure the loot for their own gangstery ends. So essentially, Stephen Baldwin fights sharks, shoots and gets shot at by Mafiosi types, solves cryptic riddles and hunts for legendary treasure all in one movie. Kind of like The Da Vinci Code raping Jaws while The Godfather watches. God, I hate you, Da Vinci Code.
Sharks in Venice is careering car crash of a film and as no one put any effort whatsoever into making it I don’t see why you should put any effort into watching it. Proving this point at one point during an ‘action’ sequence in the film Stephen Baldwin gets his leg noticeably bitten off by a shark, minutes later he awakes in hospital looking no worse for wear and with a full compliment of limbs. This is actually the best bit of the film.
|Stephen Baldwin Acting. I find this hilarious.|
God, sharks, I bloody love you! Films in which you star rock my world, even the really bad ones and ones starring one of the more rubbish Baldwins.