Sunday, 6 May 2012

The Further Adventures of Musicians in Horror

Now, you may be asking, the Further Adventures, Jinx? Where are the initial adventures of these musicians in horror? And you'd be right to ask. They're here: Caliban's Revenge, in an utterly marvellous guest post I did a little while ago. It's marvellous, really top notch, you should check it out. Say hi to gorgeous Prospero while you're there 'cos he's great.

Henry Rollins, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)

Henry Rollins is awesome. I don’t even particularly feel like I have to justify this, you just need to look at any given Rollins biography to get a sense of his awesomeness: Singer-songwriter, spoken word artist, writer, activist, comedian, publisher, actor, and radio DJ. He’s awesome. He’s also kindly contributed to the horror genre which makes me very happy.

Wrong Turn 2 takes the format of a post-apocalyptic Survivor type reality show, with added inbred hillbilly cannibals.

Henry Rollins stars as Col. Dale Murphy, host of the show and in a somewhat surprising turn of events he is captured by the hungry hillbillies early on in the film. However, once released into the wild, which, from the evidence presented, I can only assume to be his natural habitat, Rollins proceeds to go all Rambo on some killer hillbilly arse. He plays them at their own game using all his military skills, in fine style he stalks them, traps them brutally kills them and yells a lot. I genuinely believe that the movie’s ultimate showdown is exactly WRWD (What Rollins Would Do).

It’s my personal hypothesis that Henry went into this movie believing it to be a documentary, they just let him go a pointed a camera at him. He is that badass.

Tiffany, Necrosis (2009)

Flame haired temptress Tiffany ruled the charts and America’s malls during the 80s. She is most notable for her smash hit cover "I Think We're Alone Now" which became an anthem for misunderstood teens everywhere. Although I would personally argue that its more notable for becoming an anthem to people old enough to know better who found a twelve inch extended version in a charity shop during the summer of 2002 and consequently spent much of the rest of that summer dancing a grubby flat to it, a persistent hobby only interrupted briefly when it became imperative that we learn the entirety of Torvill and Dean’s Boléro via the medium of YouTube. It was a long boring summer.

Tiffany blessed us with music, but recently she has also blessed us with her contributions to horror. Tiffany’s horror debut was in the 2009 film Necrosis. It’s not great.

Six friends, one of them Tiffany, arrive at an isolated cabin to enjoy a long weekend of fun and frolics in the snow. An epic snowstorm interrupts their mini break, trapping them on the mountain and somehow resurrecting the angry ghosts of the Donner Party.

Necrosis is distasteful on many levels not least for its appalling interpretation of what happened to the tragic Donner Party, but it does contain one of my favourite bad moments in film history: people sat at table by a window discussing how terrible and savage the storm is and how they’ll never get off the mountain all to a backdrop of perfect blue untroubled sky. Genius. I watched it three times.

Tiffany also starred in MegaPiranha which helpfully warned us of the previously undocumented explosive nature of leaping piranhas.

LL Cool J, Deep Blue Sea (1999)

LL Cool J is not just a man with a massively optimistic and conceitedly self-assured stage name he is also not a man to limit himself. LL Cool J has had many lives; rapper, actor, entrepreneur, NCIS Special Agent and shark killer. He also, apparently, has many names; James Todd Smith, L.L. Cool J, Ladies Love Cool James, Luv, Cool J, LL, The G.O.A.T., Jack the Ripper, Mr. Smith, Uncle LL. This seems excessive, I shall call him LL. But really he will always be known to me as Sherman "Preacher" Dudley.

 I have a problem with Deep Blue Sea, that problem is I can’t not watch it, if it’s on I can’t go past it or turn it off. This became particularly problematic lately when ITV apparently bought it and it was on one of their many channels almost constantly, my husband had to stage an intervention.

On a remote research facility in the middle of the ocean scientists try to cure Alzheimer’s by experimenting on the brain make up of Mako sharks. Unsurprisingly this ends in tears before bedtime.

LL Cool J plays Sherman "Preacher" Dudley the facility’s chef, he cooks, cracks wise, bickers with his buddy the parrot and struggles valiantly to remain in God’s good graces. He is also responsible for the majority of the shark killing.

Honourable Mentions

Busta Rhymes, Halloween Resurrection, (2002) – takes on Michael Myers and Tyra Banks

Kiss, Kiss Meet the Phantom of the Park (1978) – Genius.

David Bowie, The Hunger (1983) – he’s Bowie, nothing more needs to be said.

Dishonourable Mention

 Jon Bon Jovi, Cry_Wolf, (2005) – I’ve an irrational dislike for JBJ and all he stands for. He seems, in later years, to have developed a curious and unrelenting talent for making everything MOR which probably explains my distaste.


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