Childhood Horror: The Child Catcher

There are many scary things about childhood; almost everything else is bigger than you for a start, that’s very scary, and then you’ve got strangers, parked cars (according to Dave Prowse), maths, impending acne, and the fact that seemingly every other week you are taken to the doctor to be jabbed with needles to guard against an endless variety of terrible diseases that are apparently constantly trying to kill you. And, as if that wasn’t enough, sometimes, people, with absolutely no thought to future consequences to the innocent children who are, indeed, our future, make the illogical decision to insert the most terrifying characters and imagery into seemingly harmless pieces of co-called children’s entertainment. A prime example of this is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’s The Child Catcher. I mean really, who thought this was a good idea?

Eeep

Like the unholy offspring of a spider and an undead funeral director, The Chid Catcher stalked onto our screens 43 years ago and has filled mini hearts with terror ever since, and probably some big ones too. Just to make him even more horrifying, The Child Catcher came fully equipped with a great big net, a savage looking hook and an all action cart cage cleverly disguised as the ultimate child attractant, a sweetshop, this is precisely why our parents so vehemently advise us against sweets and strangers. The only consolation here is that if Dick Van Dyke’s kids were really so dumb as to be tempted out from hiding by the badly disguised skeletal form of creeping pure evil then it probably would have been for the best if they were removed from the gene pool altogether. I really have no sympathy for them.

Largely their own fault

Splitting his time equally between smelling cheeeldren and stalking about balletically brandishing lollipops in their general direction, The Child Catcher was in the employ Baron and Baroness Bomburst and charged to capture and imprison any errant children from the streets of Vulgaria, a task he undertook with all due evil relish.

With Benny Hill (also inappropriate for children)

I have to confess that as a child I actually wasn’t that scared of The Chid Catcher. I suspect that this is because I came from a family of dancers so therefore was on some level aware of the aesthetics of movement and what it can create. Also I didn’t like sweets, and wasn’t dumb so I knew I’d be ok. Weirdly though, as an adult (ish), I can see and appreciate how truly terrifying he was, I mean really scary. Honestly, 60s, what were you thinking?