The Rose Red Six
Rose Red (2002)
If you have even the vaguest intention of committing 6 hours of your life to Stephen King’s mini-series Rose Red don’t peek below as I’m just about to ruin it for everyone. Maybe just look at the pictures.
A renegade team of multi-disciplined psychics and their maverick captain, the decidedly unbalanced university prof, Dr. Joyce Reardon, embark upon a somewhat foolhardy investigation of the reputedly super haunted mansion Rose Red. Displaying a blatant disregard for publicly reported evidence stating that in excess of 23 people have vanished and/or died within Rose Red’s walls, our crack team presses on with their noble mission to irrefutably prove the existence of ghosts and like. What they don’t count on, however, is that Rose Red is a devious little madam with the apparent ability to significantly increase her size and architectural arrangement at will. Unsurprisingly, death and misadventure ensue.
Name: Annie Wheaton (Kimberly J. Brown)
Powers: Telekinetic and Telepathic
Stats: Über gifted in the psychic department, autistic youngster Annie shows the oldies how it’s done. You pissed me off now rocks are falling on you.
Psych Rating: 9
Name: Victor ‘Vic’ Kandinsky (Kevin Tighe)
Stats: Poor old Vic. Nice, quiet, secretive old men with heart conditions shouldn’t be running around deadly haunted houses.
Psych Rating: 4
Name: Cathy Kramer (Judith Ivey)
Power: Automatic Writing (Seriously? What the ruddy blime is that? That’s the worst power ever! It’s like being the Invisible Woman in The Fantastic Four).
Status: Saved by The Sands - he gave his life so others may be free to write stuff ghost tell them
Stats: Kindly, well-meaning born again psychic Christian, and probably the kind of batty aunt families generally make excuses not to invite to weddings.
Psych Rating: 2
Name: Pam Asbury (Emily Deschanel)
Status: Oh dear
Stats: Sweet, shy Pam pays the price for bothering the restless dead. Should have known better though, if we’ve learned anything from Poe and Walpole it’s that wandering round deeply metaphorical mansions in white nighties is unlikely to end well. Seems to me though if she’d hitched her abilities to more reliable horse than touching stuff she might have faired better. Go for fireballs next time, Pam.
Psych Rating: 2
Name: Emery Waterman (Matt Ross)
Power: Retrocognition (Apparently this only counts if you have knowledge of events you weren’t, and couldn’t possibly be, at, not that you just remember stuff you did. Guess I’m not special after all).
Status: Lives to tell the tale - probably to a self-help group.
Stats: Mother’s boy and connoisseur of ice cream. Emery succeeds where lesser men have fallen by managing to be both pitiful and repugnant all at once. Obnoxious, sarcastic and prepared to dispense with young children to ensure his survival, Emery manages to escape Rose Red, but leaves something of himself behind.
Psych Rating: 6.5
Name: Nick Hardaway (Julian Sands)
Power: Telepathic, Remote Viewing
Status: Sacrificed himself to save the automatic writer then just disappeared, like the Lovely Debbie McGee.
Stats: Definitely not a poor man’s Jeremy Irons. Dry, witty, self-sacrificing, somewhat bland blonde Adonis of a Brit, but see how we don’t all have to be crazy or evil or trying to kill Bruce Willis.
Psych Rating: 5
When considering Rose Red it is my preference to imagine an alternative ending whereby the Rose Red crew all shout ‘activate super psychic conjoining power!’ and assemble themselves onto one giant mega-psychic, much like the Transformer Mini-Cons, and cast that house right into hell. This, I feel, would have made an awesome ending.