Rock Horror

I was clearly born to be a rock star, I think that’s obvious, I’ve got the tattoos, the massive hair and I own a lot of leather and leopard print. Clearly, all evidence points to my inherent rock staredness, except for one thing – I was tragically born with absolutely no musical talent whatsoever. None at all. It’s shocking. There are several restraining orders in place that prevent me from even singing in company because it’s so horrible. I truly have the voice of tonally challenged deaf banshee. It’s quite tragic really, you should pity me.

Some people, though, don’t have this problem. Some people are so chock full of talent it’s brimming over, brimming over to such an extent the rock cannot contain it and it has to spurt out into other areas (I achieve much the same effect when I try to wear skinny jeans) and often the area it spurts into is horror, and we get to enjoy the bountiful outpourings.

 Dee Snider, Stangeland (1998)

In the 80s Dee Snider confused a lot of dads as the androgynous frontman of Twisted Sister. In the 90s Mr. Snider turned his considerable talent to horror to star in the self-penned Strangeland as sadistic madman Captain Howdy. As Captain Howdy Dee judges the nation’s kids as badly in need of experiencing the necessary rites of passage into adulthood, and by ‘rites of passage’ he means being locked up in his basement and ritualistically tortured by way of excessive piercing. He achieves this goal by using that new-fangled internet thingy that all the kids are into.

Mr Loaf and Tangina

Meat Loaf, Wishcraft (2002)

Mr Loaf has done his bit for the film industry; The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Fight Club, that perennial classic Spiceworld: The Movie, he’s done his bit and no one can say he hasn’t. He’s also done his bit for horror starring in a Tales from the Crypt ,the Masters of Horror Dario Argento directed Pelts and more recently Burning Bright. He also starred in Wishcraft, and Wishcraft is hil-ar-ious.

High school geek Brett Bumpers (hilarious in itself) receives bull cock in the mail that, somewhat surprisingly for the unmentionables of a bull, has the power to grant three wishes. Turns out Brett isn’t as bright as his geek status might lead you to believe and he promptly wastes his cock wishes in pursuit of the resident high school hotty. While this inept wishing is going on obnoxious teens start dying at the hands of an inhumanly strong maniac. Meat Loaf investigates. I would watch a show called Meat Loaf Investigates. I imagine it would be kind of like The Equaliser but with extra Meat Loaf. Note to self: get my people to contact Meat’s people, (by ‘my people’ I suspect I mean my cats.) Meat Loaf plays Detective Sparky Shaw who gamely embarks on a bumbling hunt for the killer.

Lordi , Dark Floors (2008)

When Finnish pantomime metal band Lordi made history in 2006 by winning the Eurovision Song Contest* with a record 292 points I thought it was awesome. I actually watched it and was excited by the absurd defiance of the whole affair. When Lordi appeared in their first big-screen feature Dark Floors my overriding emotion was slightly different, I can only describe it as being heartily baffled.

A group of people get stranded in a hospital when it unexpectedly transpires it is actually a portal to another dimension. (Coincidently, that sentence is also my prediction for the star sign Aries today). Occasionally a member Lordi shows up and everyone runs away in a manner reminiscent of Scooby Doo. Bizarre, silly and confusing, but with a high rock quotient.

*High camp meeting of all Europe’s apparently least talented performers who compete to be designated the least awful act. Voting by the competing countries is hilariously political, needless to say Britain never wins, however, to be fair, Britain also has a habit of picking laughingly embarrassing acts, with the dubious exception of Bucks Fizz who took their clothes off to victory in 1981.  As a nation we have never forgotten this, much same as how we continually harp on about the 1966 World Cup. We are a great nation.

Science, man

Deborah ‘Debbie’ Gibson, Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, (2009)

In the 80s Debbie Gibson was the blonde teen pop icon, pop today can’t hold a candle to her bubblegumness, she pisses on Brittany – metaphorically, I was speaking metaphorically there. She wrote her own songs and everything. Go, Gibson!

In recent years she has fittingly brought her peculiar brand of nostalgia to the horror genre starring in a variety of ‘mockbusters’ for the SyFy channel.

A bizarre ecological accident, which seemingly serves as a warning to us all of the ramifications of mixing made up silly science and poor quality CGI without adequate safety precautions, unleashes two prehistoric monsters hellbent on eating everything in sight. Deb obviously plays an oceanographer charged to curtail the beasts’ feeding frenzy.

My favourite thing about any given SyFy movie is always ‘the science bit’ the bit where they irrationally ‘explain’ precisely why a giant worm/fish/moth/whatever is inexplicably attacking the general populace. There’s tons of illogical science in Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, including one protracted scene where lots of sciencey liquid is continually transported between many test tubes for no apparent reason. Ultimately though the whole thing is solved by Deb having sex with a scientist, as all the best things are. Go, science!

Henry Rollins, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)

Henry Rollins is awesome. I don’t even particularly feel like I have to justify this, you just need to look at any given Rollins biography to get a sense of his awesomeness: Singer-songwriter, spoken word artist, writer, activist, comedian, publisher, actor, and radio DJ. He’s awesome. He’s also kindly contributed to the horror genre which makes me very happy.

Wrong Turn 2 takes the format of a post-apocalyptic Survivor type reality show, with added inbred hillbilly cannibals.

Henry Rollins stars as Col. Dale Murphy, host of the show and in a somewhat surprising turn of events, he is captured by the hungry hillbillies early on in the film. However, once released into the wild, which, from the evidence presented, I can only assume to be his natural habitat, Rollins proceeds to go all Rambo on some killer hillbilly arse. He plays them at their own game using all his military skills, in fine style, he stalks them, traps them brutally kills them and yells a lot. I genuinely believe that the movie’s ultimate showdown is exactly WRWD (What Rollins Would Do).

It’s my personal hypothesis that Henry went into this movie believing it to be a documentary, they just let him go a pointed a camera at him. He is that badass.

Tiffany, Necrosis (2009)

Flame-haired temptress Tiffany ruled the charts and America’s malls during the 80s. She is most notable for her smash hit cover "I Think We're Alone Now" which became an anthem for misunderstood teens everywhere. Although I would personally argue that its more notable for becoming an anthem to people old enough to know better who found a twelve inch extended version in a charity shop during the summer of 2002 and consequently spent much of the rest of that summer dancing a grubby flat to it, a persistent hobby only interrupted briefly when it became imperative that we learn the entirety of Torvill and Dean’s Boléro via the medium of YouTube. There is still no explanation for this.  It was a long boring summer.

Tiffany blessed us with music, but recently she has also blessed us with her contributions to horror. Tiffany’s horror debut was in the 2009 film Necrosis. It’s not great.

Six friends, one of them Tiffany, arrive at an isolated cabin to enjoy a long weekend of fun and frolics in the snow. An epic snowstorm interrupts their mini-break, trapping them on the mountain and somehow resurrecting the angry ghosts of the Donner Party.

Necrosis is distasteful on many levels not least for its appalling interpretation of what happened to the tragic Donner Party, but it does contain one of my favourite bad moments in film history: people sat at table by a window discussing how terrible and savage the storm is and how they’ll never get off the mountain all to a backdrop of perfect blue untroubled sky. Genius. I watched it three times.

Tiffany also starred in MegaPiranha which helpfully warned us of the previously undocumented explosive nature of leaping piranhas.

LL Cool J, Deep Blue Sea (1999)

LL Cool J is not just a man with a massively optimistic and conceitedly self-assured stage name he is also not a man to limit himself LL Cool J has had many lives; rapper, actor, entrepreneur, NCIS Special Agent and shark killer. He also, apparently, has many names; James Todd Smith, L.L. Cool J, Ladies Love Cool James, Luv, Cool J, LL, The G.O.A.T., Jack the Ripper, Mr. Smith, Uncle LL. This seems excessive, I shall call him LL. But really he will always be known to me as Sherman "Preacher" Dudley.

 I have a problem with Deep Blue Sea, that problem is I can’t not watch it, if it’s on I can’t go past it or turn it off. This became particularly problematic lately when ITV apparently bought it and it was on one of their many channels almost constantly. I barely left the house. It became a problem. 

On a remote research facility in the middle of the ocean, scientists try to cure Alzheimer’s by experimenting on the brain make up of Mako sharks. Unsurprisingly this ends in tears before bedtime.

LL Cool J plays Sherman "Preacher" Dudley the facility’s chef, he cooks, cracks wise, bickers with his buddy the parrot and struggles valiantly to remain in God’s good graces. He is also responsible for the majority of the shark killing.  

Honourable Mentions

Busta Rhymes Halloween Resurrection, (2002) – takes on Michael Myers and Tyra Banks

Kiss, Kiss Meet the Phantom of the Park (1978) – Genius.

David Bowie, The Hunger (1983) – he’s Bowie, nothing more needs to be said.

Marilyn Manson, Salem - no one is surprised as me to be writing this. 

Dishonourable Mention

 Jon Bon Jovi, Cry_Wolf, (2005) – I’ve an irrational dislike for JBJ and all he stands for. He seems to have developed a curious and unrelenting talent for making everything MOR.